What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.