“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?