[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
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never deleting this app.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
so this horse walks into a bar
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.