Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there