My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading