My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
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My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.