I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
50 shades of grey = my Liver
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses