“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.