ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
23. the denim jacket
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
🤣😂
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.