The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice