Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
and now we wait
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way