only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
umm…
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud