New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
This one’s “Alex”.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool