Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*sewing*
A thread
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.