Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
How your email finds me
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
a lot to unpack here