A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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Isn’t
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.