A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2