“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country