HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My what?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.