A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
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Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else