Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Well, this is awkward
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
scares
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10