Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
english majors be like furthermore
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause