Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
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So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Covid like
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I feel seen