Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.