Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Well well well…
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.