Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”