NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
You Might Also Like
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc