[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!