Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Not today.. 😂
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.