“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
never forget
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!