wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
This cat wants you to take your pills
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
me as a parent
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Beware of fowl play.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO