What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
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windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Grandmother clock.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.