went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
the greatest twitter interaction
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Wise advice
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
How to properly lift a body
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*