She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
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I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?