Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you