My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
You Might Also Like
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Clients after you give them your rates
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.