Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat