What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.