A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.