Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Me recordaron éste meme
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.