Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times