early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
A little too much information.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me