You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Fiction has to make sense.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
fixed it
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”