Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Match dot com, but for socks.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]