[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*