I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.