put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!