She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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