[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.