My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Everything reminds me of my ex
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!